Self Love is NOT Selfish
There is a huge difference between self love and selfishness. We learn to put everyone’s needs in front of our own. In doing this, we don’t think about ourselves. I have been told by everyone in the Program to really focus on myself. Once I do that, the innermost love and compassion will come to those around me. I myself have to be 100% emotionally, physically, and mentally for my family. If I do not focus on myself, my family struggles.
People not familiar with the Program, or not working their own Program, do not understand this, They consider me selfish because all I do in their eyes is ask them for help, and I only think of myself. These acts of self love bother others, and they judge me for what they consider is acting selfish. Yes, I do put myself and sobriety first. If I am not sober, I lose my family. So when I say I have to go to a meeting, I absolutely should go to that meeting, whether the kids have to come with me or not. When I ask for help, I need help. Some consider this selfish; I consider it selfless. I am doing it for those around me, not only myself. My family needs me to stay sober and get the help I need in order to be present, love them the way they should be loved, and stay in their lives.
AlAnon teaches things like this to family members. However, the family members have to commit to it 100%, just like I have to commit 100% to my Program.. Al‑Anon is a mutual support program for people whose lives have been affected by someone else’s drinking or using. By sharing common experiences and applying the Al-Anon principles, families and friends of alcoholics/addicts can bring positive changes to their individual situations, whether or not the alcoholic/addict admits the existence of a problem or seeks help. I am not saying this is essential to family members; it is simply a resource that is an option for them. Ideally, every person works on themselves with self love before trying to work on others. This, however, does not seem to be the case for many because they confuse self love with selfishness.
Clinical Psychologist Tracy Thomas, PhD writes an article on the difference between self love and selfishness. Specifically, she writes, “loving ourselves — by taking care of ourselves first and foremost — ensures that our care for others ultimately can come from a place of inner abundance, a feeling of already being taken care of from within. As a result, we become more giving partners, family members, friends and beyond.”
As I said before, we must love ourselves first and foremost in order to properly care for our families. Do I consider that selfish? No, but others do. Why is it such a bad thing to put ourselves first? It is actually the opposite. By putting others' needs before our own, we build up resentments and anger. These are the catalysts in huge blow up fights, miscommunication, and overall unease.
I read through many articles as research for this piece. The main theme is that we as a society consider self care the same as selfishness. This is a major misconception. Another article, by Jo Ritchie, states, “taking care of ourselves is the opposite of being selfish, as it strengthens us and enables us to support our loved ones better. We are no use to anyone if our energy is depleted because we have given every last bit of it away. Self-care is an antidote to stress, as it builds resilience so we can better cope with challenges. Just think how they tell us to put on our oxygen mask first on an airplane before we help others. Yes, absolutely support others, but nurture yourself first.”
My Sponsor is one helping me understand this right now, along with my sober friends. My hubs is the one helping me along the way, knowing I am working on myself. Without them, I wouldn't know what I am doing. My Sponsor says repeatedly, “Ellen, you taught them (others) to treat you that way.” This is hard to grasp at first, but when you think about it, it’s very eye opening. We teach others how to treat us based on our own energy and actions. When I am nagging or have high anxiety, I am teaching others to be tense around me, to purposely not do the things I ask, and to bottle up emotions. If I instead stopped snapping in irritation (a sign of anxiety), or made a list of chores that I expect to be done instead of nagging everyday, I would be teaching the other to treat me differently.
We only have control over our own actions, not those of others. We have to take it upon ourselves to figure out if or what we need to change in order for people to treat us differently. This is a form of self love, not selfishness. Knowing that we have no control over others is sometimes impossible to comprehend. We think we can change them or fix them or even rescue them. But, if we take the time to love ourselves fully, it won’t matter what we think about others. They will feed off of our positive energy and treat us the way we want to be treated. We teach them how to treat us. By taking the time to love ourselves, we are teaching ourselves what we want, but also others. The others will not come around until we truly love ourselves. This is the most selfless act I can possibly think of.
Take the time to read the articles I quoted. It will give you lots of tools you need to understand the difference between self love and selfishness. I bet most of you reading this are more concerned about others than yourself. Take the time today to love yourself. You are worth it, and it will help the relationships you have with others.
